Thinking outloud

I'd received a CD from the church that is at my college. On the CD there is a pastor speaking about his experiences and how we should do everything through God. Even though he makes a few good points, I don't believe that we should leave everything up to God.

I should probley explain myself.

I am a non-religious person. Where I am trying to figure out my own belief system. I have come a long way, I used to not believe in God at all. I had always felt that religion was a pressure, that you are suppose to believe in certain things in order to be accept by people. And that if you didn't believe you would be shun from the rest of groups.

The sad thing was, when I gave up religion it was on a mission trip I went on last summer with my youth group. And that the whole point of going on a mission trip is to increase your faith with God. That did not happen for me apparently.

And then throughout this year, I felt a little bit better about myself. Like the huge chip in my shoulder just went away. I felt stress free, even though I had the stress of putting together productions and school work of course. Also I felt that it was one less thing to worry about and that I was able to see things from different points of views. Plus I was able to work through most of my problems by myself. In the end, I did let my heart get small and cold and my brain bigger in knowledge. But I felt it was ok to be like that. I was still the same good ol' Jennifer, that was just there to help people if they need any help. Which I still am here if anybody needs anything. Oh well.

Then this past summer, I talked to Tim, Micheal, and Dan on the Youth '07 trip. All three of them really help me and open my eyes more. They listen to me about my question, how I feel about life, and God. And they help me realize, in simple terms, that I need to try and balance out my heart and my brain. Which I am working on.

But I am slowly coming back, even though I still feel awkward about receiving communion. It is only because I feel that if I received communion I would be a hypocrite.

I should probley explain my friends.

Tim is a lay-abbot (also a senior in college) and has started his own spiritual community, which I would like to go to and listen to them to talk about God. Tim is very interesting character. He's lovable, calm, acts like a kid, and is joy to talk to. When we started our conversation, it lasted so long that we had to do it in 3 parts. And that was only because we ran out of time talking each other.

Micheal, is also a college student, is one coolest guys to hang around. He is so calm and peaceful when you talk to him and his hugs are so warm. (I'm sorry if that sounds really weird, but its the truth) Micheal is a really good friend.

And Dan, currently a seminary student, is the youth director at First United Methodist of Seguin. He is a also a very cool guy to hang out with as well. When you talk to him, he will listen and give you his opinion on subjects. Plus he is a really good musician/singer, same with Tim.

Anyway, getting back to the story.

The Cd was stating that you should relied on God for everything. In my personal view, it seems like that God is the parent and we of the children. Which is like duh, it says in the bible. Also known for the Shepard herding his sheep story. But this would make us dependant when majority of us are trying to become independent.

And with prayer, its seem like we are begging for something until it happens. Metaphorical a whiny child trying to get its way with the parent. But I understand that there is a second side of prayer. Such as praying for guidance and direction.

Oh well... As for me, I'm mainly looking for inner peace. Sort of a mixture of Buddhism and Hinduism. Even though Karma can be a pain in the butt, but the basics of those religion are very spiritual and that's what I am searching for.

And I think I shall stop there for today.

I'm sorry that I only got through half my thought today

and I'm sorry if this confuses or offends anybody.

This is just me thinking aloud.